i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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