meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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