people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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