I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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