if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
