I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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