I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
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