I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
