he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
