Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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