Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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