so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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