dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
