First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just pee around me
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
