There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
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