There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
