I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
