I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
