I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
