Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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