my phone needs a breathalizer
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
