the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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