just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
All I want is dick and wine.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
