I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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