woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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