So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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