last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
