I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
