Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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