happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
