I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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