So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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