Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
