he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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