I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
