the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Randomize
