I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
