guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
