who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
