he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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