I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
