went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
