I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
