I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
