allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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