Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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