so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
