Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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