my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
