A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Couch. On fire.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
