Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
