I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
